‘What did you do?’ She asked in passing as she went into the bedroom. I couldn’t respond because my boxed mind just wasn’t connecting. I continued washing the dishes wondering what that was all about and then it hit me. I couldn’t help but just laugh. My wife was actually shocked at seeing me wash the dishes and to her the only logical explanation was that I was making up for something I had done wrong. I think I had not done anything wrong, as much as I know, but you just never know what a lady is thinking. You could have forgotten a promise you made or answered a wrong question right or bought the wrong spices, cumin seeds instead of cinnamon, who even knows what these are.
A man can be confused. Yes, the disruption continues….
This happened at about 3 months of our marriage and the question came as a reality check to me. That is how far I was from my wife and what was happening in the house. I had to resolve to be more helpful in the house. I know some men are feeling let down by my actions but it’s not my dad’s time and since we work in the same company, I understand her work load and the kind of day she has had. Helping then comes from a more informed place.
Working with your spouse
Yeah, we work together. I like the way jaws drop when people know this for the first time. Why? How? All that time together? Don’t you get bored with each other? These are just some of the questions we get.
Working together isn’t such a bad thing actually, it’s better for us because it’s our third time working together, third company that is, so we have kind of almost perfected the ‘work with your spouse’ program. The first one was a part time internship which wasn’t that serious, second one was tough especially in the beginning. We were engaged and we wanted to be professional and show no one that we were together so we tried to keep it ‘under water’. But how do you explain the constant lunch dates, leaving the office together, the ‘special treatments’ and those moments when you speak couple-ish in front of colleagues?
The downside of working together is that we spend a lot of time around each other but not with each other. It’s easy to confuse this and not pursue quality time with my wife. Why go on a date when we have been together all day, men like me may think. Quality time with a loved one should be very intentional, planning and care has to go into it. The result has to be something acceptable and only measurable by the other person, not the initiator. If she doesn’t like movies then cinema dates don’t add value to our relationship. I sound so wise but these are my lessons that I keep working on, hoping for that smile that assures me of her satisfaction.
I was intruded
Shalee came into my life. That means she left her family, home, friends, church, community and more to come and be with me. She changed her life for me. On the contrary my life almost remained the same, except for her disrupting my space, in a lovely way of course. My naïve happily married mind expected my wife to just fit into my life, you know, just get on with the program. I actually pushed her to join groups in church, follow me to my events, and host my friends and more. I didn’t see things from her perspective but now my view is being gradually unblocked.
Ladies give up a lot for us men. They come into our families and are expected to fit in and perform all that is required of them like they were always there. We ought to protect them, not in the traditional sense of physically fighting and killing lions, but by shielding them from negativity, wrong influence and bad relatives who always want to find a way to plant a bad seed in your marriage.
Motivation to marry
Getting married is not a matter of boasting because it is not an achievement. Yes, that’s not a typo. I know some people live their lives like marriage is their sole purpose in this world but sorry to spoil the party. You see, for some people going to school is an achievement but for most people it is not. Getting married can be seen as moving into another stage of life, just like going to school. Progressing in school (learning) and passing exams are achievements. Staying married and growing together is the plus.
This may not sound good coming from a married man but I believe that a single person can live a fulfilled life and serve his/her purpose on earth. At the same I pray that those who desire marriage may find their partners.
Some single men I speak to often mention that they want to get married because they are tired of eating bad food; they want to be cooked for. Others are frank enough to mention that they have sexual needs that need to be met and being Christians, they can only find that in marriage. These are legitimate needs but let me make a bold statement here: men, don’t marry for food and don’t marry for sex. These are physical needs that are met pretty soon after the wedding day.
I am convinced that there is more to marriage than just the meeting our physical needs, but what can that be?
The bible talks about man leaving his family and holding fast to his wife and the two becoming one flesh. Of course the bible doesn’t mean becoming one in flesh, as in living in one body; it is talking about a kind of oneness. Our best man suggested this to me sometime before our marriage but now, six months into marriage, I see his point. Marriage is about becoming one. Yes, physical intimacy is great but we are talking of intimacy beyond the physical. Intimacy in spirit, faith, purpose and direction; a kind of unity and togetherness that transcends whatever the world is offering.
Think about it, why is the relationship between husband and wife compared to that of Christ and the church in the bible? Husbands are asked to sacrificially love their wives just like Christ loves the church and has given himself to it. In the same passage, Ephesians 5.22-33, apostle Paul emphasizes that we are one body in Christ as His church and then he goes on to quote Genesis 2.24 which is about man leaving his family and becoming one flesh with his wife. We are one body with Christ in spirit and not physically. Paul calls this a profound mystery.
The very essence of God is the unity of Father, Son and the Holy Spirit which we call the trinity. I think God created marriage, His first establishment on earth, to reflect on who He is.
When husbands and wives are united in spirit, faith, purpose and direction, I believe we shall see strong families, strong churches and strong institutions that are rooted in God. In turn we shall have a better society. Children who have seen Christ’s manifestation in their parents, especially fathers, often find it easy to believe in God. On the contrary most of the people in jails today come from broken families.
When people are united the limits of what they can do significantly reduces. How can two walk together unless they are in agreement? No wonder the devil doesn’t spare any resources in fighting marriages.
At one month of our marriage, all I could see was the disruption that had occurred in my life. I called it the lovely necessary disruption. The disruption continues, on another level of course, and only one word can describe what marriage is for us at this point: poetry.
You see in poetry not all lines are the same length, sometimes you rhyme sometimes you don’t, there are many new beginnings, many new chances to make it rhyme again, verse sizes differ and subject matters vary. Some, for lack of rhymes and too many stops, will tell you that poetry is really bad and they do not want anything to do with it. But make no mistake to follow them, because when you stick to it and keep writing, inspiration comes and you find yourself rhyming again.
The result is spectacular, a beautiful piece of literature that probably embodies the purest form of writing, manifested in spoken words and the songs that we sing, the kind that speaks to your soul and brings you closest to who you really are. You then give thanks to the source of your inspiration praying and hoping never to stop rhyming as the poem becomes longer and longer.
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